The Ripple Effect

It started as a small idea to help our family to raise awareness and a reward for information about what happened to our son.  It soon became a massive fundraiser and I could never have imagined in my wildest dreams that there would be such an outpouring of support for our family in our search for Damien.

When a person goes missing the focus is on the family.  But friends suffer too, as well as anyone in the community who quietly identifies with the fear and the emotional distress suffered by families.  Our son Damien has been missing for almost 16 years.  We moved away almost 11 years ago due to my husband’s employment, but we have never given up the search for Damien and still believe we can find him.  We have had to work hard to keep this case on the police radar and to make sure it is not forgotten.

We have always had a lot of support from friends over the years.  However, the community where we had lived and where our children went to school has recently rallied around us and shown such love and support, over and above anything we could have imagined.  When Gennive Woolston (she went to school with my eldest daughter) decided organise do a disco to raise funds, she quickly found that the community and local businesses were prepared to offer much more.  They helped arrange a venue at Cowes Yacht Haven and provided an open bar service, and also staffed the event for free. 

Local bands flocked to play, again offering their time and talent for free, and a band from London came especially to help support the efforts to raise a reward.  So many people stepped up to the plate.  Local TV and radio, sound technicians and lighting all came to bring this gig together in a very polished and professional way.  It became known as ‘Damien’s Gig’ and posters were placed far and wide.  Social networking spread the word to far-flung friends across the globe. It was even streamed live on the internet allowing my daughter to watch from her home in Seattle and see all her old friends at the gig, who had come to celebrate Damien and help us raise the funds we need. 

When I was at the gig I was amazed how many people came.  I knew some of them well, but there were others I had never met before, who follow us on Facebook and came to introduce themselves.  It was heartening and humbling to see so many caring people.  It didn’t just raise money – it raised awareness that our son went out one night and never came home, and that for years there have been suspicions that something more sinister happened.  Anyone who knows the case will be aware that it has become a suspected murder case over the past two years.  It is with this in mind that we decided to try to raise funds for a reward ourselves, as the police had refused.  It created an outpouring of anger and sympathy from everyone, and was the catalyst that brought this gig and a community of people together for a good cause together.

It is just so amazing that so many people care about our son, and the continued efforts of the community and organizations that care for the families left behind.  It helps us to cope and to make our lives just a little easier to bear.

Thank you to everyone who cares for lost and missing people – your support is the wind beneath our broken wings. 

You can show your support for the families of missing children by joining the Big Tweet for Missing Children on Friday 25 May 2012.

By Valerie Nettles

Mother of missing Damien Nettles

Dawn and Roger Hopson: The Search for Piers

We stare at the map of Kent and East Sussex. Where shall we go this week? Where shall we distribute our “Missing” leaflets? Where could he possibly be? Piers is so vulnerable (a person with Asperger Syndrome is very naïve) and he must be with someone; he can’t look after himself. Who could he have met on that cold January afternoon in 2010? It must have been someone fairly local, we say to ourselves – who else would be in Hastings on a Monday afternoon in winter? What could they have said to him to persuade him go with them?

When Piers [pictured] first went missing, concerned friends and neighbours helped us to blitz Hastings and nearby towns daily with hastily printed leaflets and posters. As we continue our search, we have our own dedicated number for people to call, in addition to the police and the Missing People helplines. As the weeks and months have gone by our band of helpers has shrunk – not because they are any less concerned for us, but because we feel that we have called upon them enough. We know that we have only to ask, and help will be there. In the meantime it is just the two of us. For us it is a kind of therapy. We feel we are actually doing something to try to get Piers back.

We have a spreadsheet listing when and where we leafleted, with information on the towns or villages, the roads where we delivered leaflets door-to-door, the pubs, cafés, post offices and shops which promised to display a poster. As well as new areas, we are now also revisiting places we leafleted two years ago. “I thought he had been found” people say, or “Still missing? Oh, you poor things, I will pray for you”. We can cope with sympathy now - to start with “no hugs” and “anything but sympathy” we said to our friends.

Sometimes after one of our leafleting days the “Piers phone” as we call it, will ring. Someone thinks they have seen a man who may be Piers. We quickly take down the details – what was he doing, was he alone, how did he walk, and what was he wearing? Sometimes it is obvious to us that it was not Piers, but we investigate, just as if we believe it to have been him. We can’t afford not to. At other times, the person described sounds so like Piers, the room goes quiet, we look at each other – could this be it? In any case, as soon as we can we go to visit the area, clutching leaflets, posters and photographs of Piers.

If it is a café, pub or store we ask about CCTV. Our holy grail is CCTV that was switched on, facing the right way and working correctly. Our friendly contact in Hastings police will always arrange for us to view any images that might be Piers. It is always a traumatic event – we are ushered into a room by a police officer, a laptop will be on the desk. As we sit down we can’t take our eyes off the picture on the screen. We strain to get a clearer view – no, not Piers. But we still wait to see the moving images, just to make absolutely sure.  We thank the police officer for his help and kindness. We go out, get into our car and sit quietly for a few moments. We drive home.

It has been several weeks now, since the ”Piers phone” rang.  Having no new leads, we stare at the map. “Let’s try Robertsbridge” one of us says, “yes, that’s a good idea”.

Peter Lawrence: My Missing Rights

I want to give you my take on the “Missing Rights” campaign, which aims to improve emotional, practical and legal support for families of missing people. I went to the launch in December 2010 and progress since then has been amazing!

In March 2011 The All Party Parliamentary Group for Missing and RunawayChildren and Adults (APPG) decided to hold an Inquiry into this issue and arranged Hearings in Parliament. 

The hearings outlined that Legislation is needed not only for Presumption of Death to replace the current convoluted and expensive mix of Common Law and Statutory provisions, but also for Guardianship Orders – these enable a family member to apply to a Court for an order, to give them authority to deal with a missing loved one’s practical affairs, including banking, mortgages, insurance, etc.

I gave evidence at the hearings and after the March meeting I did several media broadcasts and the Ministry of Justice (MoJ) issued a statement in response, saying that existing laws were sufficient, that few people would be helped and that it would cost too much.  They were going to do nothing at that point! You can imagine my response in the media!!

We were privileged to present the APPG inquiry’s findings to No 10 Downing Street in July. The recommendations were strongly in favour of legislation to help families of missing people negotiate their way through the minefield of bureaucracy they face, in dealing with everyday practical and financial affairs, and ultimately coping with presumption of death.

The MoJ did not have to take notice of the APPG inquiry but luckily the Justice Select Committee (JSC) decided to hold its own Inquiry (and MoJ do need to take notice of that). They held Hearings in November 2011 which I attended, giving me the opportunity to speak to the Minister, Jonathan Djanogly MP. The Minister promised the JSC that he would look carefully at their recommendations, and those of the APPG, and would respond by the end of the Parliamentary session.

The JSC published a report strongly recommending to Government that legislation is necessary and nothing short of legislation will suffice, to relieve the suffering of the families of missing loved ones, currently experienced by thousands of families. This was also the position of Missing People, who gave evidence to the panel on behalf of the families the charity serves.

I did numerous TV, radio and press interviews with Sir Alan Beith, Chairman of the JSC on the day the Report was issued, as did Missing People. We pushed the case for the MoJ to respond positively and since then, the APPG has met to discuss how to encourage the Government to take the report forward.

When Nigel Adams MP (Selby and Ainsty) stood up in the House of Commons to ask the Prime Minister a question on the JSC report, the packed House gave him a roar of approval. The Prime Minister in his reply said “I recognise all the emotional and practical difficulties faced by those whose loved ones are missing”.

The weekend of 18 March was the Miles for Missing People race and the third Anniversary of my daughter Claudia going missing. There was lots of media coverage both on TV and radio. The momentum is there. Please ask your MP to help keep up the pressure.

Everything is there for Government: a draft bill on both issues, a Consultation Paper and cross-party support in both Houses, all provided by solicitors acting for Missing People. It is therefore a quick, low-cost measure for the Government, which should take this opportunity to show it cares for its people.

Kenneth Clarke and Jonathan Djanogly should see that there is absolutely no valid reason to say no to proposed changes, so I look forward to a positive response.

Peter Lawrence

If you would like to help the Missing Rights campaign watch this video, then follow the simple steps to email your MP.

So This Is Christmas

It is our 15^th Christmas without Damien. 

How has Christmas changed? Totally. I used to be all about Christmas.  Loved it and planned for it. I enjoyed spending time with my children and we had our traditions that we loved every year.  Favourite shows to watch, school plays, favourite foods to prepare and decorating the house.  All the things that one does in anticipation of the wonderful unfolding of Christmas and the family joys it brings. The wonderment of little children and the squeals of delight as they see the presents under the tree.  I loved to walk home from work through town and see Christmas lights happily dangling across streets, bustling with shoppers laden with bags of holiday food and gifts, heading home as the day turned to night.  I loved Christmas and the feelings of happiness and joy were tangible.  Now we have had 15 years of loss.  Damien is gone. I don’t feel the joy anymore. We have a hole in the center of our family and we don’t know why.

After Damien went missing in November 1996 we went about our usual preparations, but instead of joy, I felt fear.  The tree was trimmed and presents were purchased and placed under the tree. We waited every day for the sound of him coming home, but it never happened.  We honestly thought he would be home by Christmas.  It was unthinkable that he would not be found by then.

This was the beginning of the new, changed Christmas. The joy was gone and I tried ever so hard to keep it all together for my other children.  I did all the same things. School plays and festivals and shows and traditions. But I was quaking inside with sadness. I felt guilty the second Christmas doing anything because he was not here.  It was clear he was nowhere to be found and probably would not be walking through the door.  But for the children’s sake we went through the motions.

I think that is how Christmas has become…going through the motions and trying oh so hard to ‘feel’ the joy, but quietly and methodically avoiding the knowledge that this is all for show and there is no joy at all, not as I knew it.  Putting on a good face and making it the best that I can for the children.  I listen to the Christmas music old and new. I am trying to muster a tiny tiny glimmer of feeling, but it is gone and I am numb. No matter how many Christmas programmes I watch, it is gone.

I have grandchildren and I watch the shows with them that I watched with their daddy and his brother Damien, and his sisters.  I am trying so very very hard to feel something, but it is just so difficult to find any feelings at all.  I am numb. I love to be with the grandchildren and watch little faces…. but still - I am numb.  I think every soft mushy, tender, soppy, warm, happy, gushy, sentimental feeling is gone.  

I feel content the grandchildren are excited. I am satisfied that my effort to continue to do Christmas has given my children the desire to continue with the traditions and enjoy the anticipation of the season with their own children.  I hope I saved Christmas for them a bit by not giving up completely but by making the best of a bad situation and doing the right thing for those left behind to cope with the loss of a loved, cherished child, and brother….

By Valerie Nettles

Mother of missing Damien Nettles

Missing People is producing a number of pieces of guidance for families missing a loved one. The first guidance sheets are now available. Click here to visit the Family Guidance pages.

A Missed Call

It is 4 a.m. on a Sunday morning.

I wake up worrying about a missed phone call from the UK (we now live in America, though our son is still missing in the UK).  I had missed the call yesterday, but it was not a number I recognized and they seemed to have left no message.  I wake in the wee hours of Sunday still wondering who it is.  It must be about Damien? 

At 6 a.m. I check my old messages again and this time find that I have a voicemail, left on Friday, from this person who “has information on what happened to Damien”….evidently my husband listened to it and forgot to tell me about this call, but that is another matter!

I call the person back, having now realized who it is, and by 7 a.m. I am in possession of ‘new information.’ Or is it information? It was a “someone said something to somebody but we don’t know who that somebody is and the someone who told somebody was afraid to come forward.”  That kind of thing.

It was the second this week….

We have had this same scenario many, many times over the years with “information”.  I publically, loudly announce that anyone can come to me with sightings, tips, etc., and I am eternally grateful to everyone who does. I am sure, way back when, in our ‘normal’ life, this ‘information’ would have thrown me into a complete emotional tizzy and scarred me for life. But now, each lead is just another possibility and I have no feelings at all - just another frown line and crease in my brow. 

I think that people have to turn off a ‘valve’ somewhere to avoid going into a complete melt-down. I have learnt to think methodically, analyze the facts, and place them in this compartment of my mind reserved for shattering information. It is a learned self-preservation mechanism. I am so pleased to hear that Missing People are working on a program with trained therapists to develop an understanding of this emotional dilemma, the definition of ambiguous loss, and all the trimmings that come with having a missing person situation in the family. 

So please don’t worry about upsetting people like us. Please don't stop coming forward. If you have any information, speak up. Yes, it is difficult to hear but it is a fact of life that families like mine live with, and we’d rather have to bear the haunting details than have none at all. We are hanging on desperately, hoping for the next piece of the puzzle. Anything, no matter how small it may seem to you, could end up meaning something big to us, and help end this life of not knowing.

By Valerie Nettles
Mother of missing Damien Nettles

Something worthwhile...

Eight months ago I was bored and looking for something to do. I typed into Google, "spare time", "useful" and "worthwhile" - then hit return.  Just below a link to Appalachian Clog Dancing and above another to Macramé Your Own Hammock sat the link to Missing People. As I can’t dance or tie a knot I clicked on Missing People’s website. If you’re reading this then I’m guessing you’ve seen the website yourself and know the mix of emotions looking at the faces of people who seemingly just disappear, can evoke.

Fast forward a couple of months and I’m attending my first weekly training session with other volunteers of different ages, experience and backgrounds. For one evening a week over a twelve-week period we learn about the missing issue. It’s not a big issue, it’s a huge issue, centered around the shock wave that hits the lives of ordinary people when a loved one disappears. Because of the complexities involved, the training packs a lot in. We’re introduced to the type of calls we’ll receive and the people who’ll make them: the police, the families of those left behind, the missing person as well as hoax and suicide calls, each needing to be listened to and supported in their own unique way. We assess risk, role play different scenarios, test and re-test what we’re learning.

By week six certain procedures are sticking to the flypaper of my memory while others zoom around like a flock of starlings - I’m relieved to find from my fellow volunteers that I’m not alone. The training’s fun and we’re well supported, but we’re also a little nervous about taking our first call. 

I approach my initial shift not with a sense of dread but terror. I’m petrified I’m going to say the wrong thing. When the first call comes through I listen and do my bit. Afterwards I’m told it’s gone well, although I thought I sounded like Mickey Mouse talking to Pluto. That was a few weeks ago - with each call I take it gets easier. Tomorrow I’ll be looking forward to my fourth shift, relieved that in the time it normally takes to macrame a hammock, I’ve learned skills that for me, personally, are far more worthwhile.

By Glenn P.
Helpline Volunteer at Missing People

Looking for a challenging role starting in the New Year? The charity Missing People is looking for passionate people with good listening skills and computer literacy to become helpline volunteers. To find out more about the role and complete the application, visit our website (Deadline: 8 December).

Julie Etchingham: Little Boy Lost

Think of all that’s happened in the past twenty years. The death of Diana, 9/11, the rise and fall of New Labour, Iraq, Afghanistan,  the explosion of the internet, the financial boom and the economic bust. As all this has ebbed and flowed through our lives, one family has endured the seemingly never-ending torment of a child who went missing when he was just a toddler.

Close your eyes and you will probably remember his face. Ben Needham. The archetypal blond, blue-eyed boy was just 21 months old when he vanished, without trace, on the Greek island of Kos. There was no instant media to report it, no mobile phone network to set alight with it – and the police didn’t seem to care.

But Ben’s mother Kerry has never given up on what has become one of the longest-running missing persons cases in British history. And her patience and drive to find out about her son may be about to pay off. The investigation is being re-opened.

In a special ‘Tonight’ programme to be aired tonight, we follow Kerry as she makes an emotional return to Greece, where astonishingly, sightings are still being reported – even though Ben is now a grown man. She suffers the agony of DNA tests raising then dashing hopes, but also meets a doctor who is convinced he saw Ben at his hospital around 9 months after he disappeared.

Finally and dramatically – Kerry also meets the Public Prosecutor on Kos who tells her she is now prepared to look at the case afresh, harnessing all the new technology available. A charity has made posters of a digital image of Ben as he may look now. They are going up all over Greece – in the hope Ben may even recognise himself.

Like the family of Madeleine McCann who cling so desperately to the prospect of even the smallest breakthrough, Kerry’s steadfast hope is remarkable. The Foreign Office is backing her efforts and the head of the charity Missing People Martin Houghton says he’s delighted the Ben Needham case is to be given fresh momentum -  and says it’s the power of such hope which can drive people forward during their darkest moments.

By Julie Etchingham
Presenter, Tonight

Watch Kerry’s remarkable journey:  ‘Little Boy Lost –  the Search for Ben Needham’ - Thursday evening, 6 October, 7.30pm on ITV1. You can also help Kerry and all those searching for missing children by visiting www.missingpeople.org.uk/benneedham.