
Having a loved one missing often triggers
a mixed range of emotions; some understandable like fear and the pain of loss,
but others may be less familiar such as shame and guilt, which makes them
harder to manage. Without any explanation or reason, many go through a stage of
blaming themselves for what may or may not have happened and it is difficult to
move forward from this position as there is usually no evidence to dispute
this. These thoughts and feelings can vary depending on how the individual may
be feeling, the response of others around them and/or recent events. The
constant switching of emotions can be intrusive and disruptive; it is hard to
lead a ‘normal’ life with things feeling so chaotic emotionally.
Working with people who in the main manage to achieve this has been a moving
experience and I am at times in awe of their ability to cope. The determination
to not lose hope creates a tenacity which appears to give individuals strength
to continue in their search for information, regardless of the many hurdles
they have to overcome. It feels like someone has been catapulted into an
unfamiliar world and it has been a learning experience observing their ability
to adapt. Dealing with the media and police are new to many and some who would
like anonymity and privacy have to discard this in the interest of the
investigation. Although apparently necessary, this can bring a lot of
discomfort.
Within the family there may be
differences in how others respond and this can create increased tensions.
Unlike other forms of loss where there is a gradual move to acceptance, some
feel this would be like giving up and disloyal. Many report that the feelings remain
the same even after several years, they just acclimatise to carrying the pain.
There is a fear of moving on - what
if the missing person returns? This can also create problems as some of those
around them assume this is easier with the passage of time, and some say they no longer discuss their
loved one due to this lack of understanding. There is an assumption that in
some way they have ‘got over it’, and there is a sense that there is a time
limit for support and understanding. At times it can feel easier for someone to
separate the missing issue from certain areas of their lives and they choose to
keep it private, sometimes fearing others’ judgement, but also to create a
temporary sense of normality.
The physical and emotional impact of
sustained anxiety and uncertainty are often underestimated. Living with the
constant hope of information, looking every time you leave the house in case
there is a sighting, means there is little chance of relaxation, and this can
take its toll. We all identify with our roles and this is challenged by having
someone missing. People may ask themselves whether they are still a parent or wife,
for example. Without a resolution or reason, some find themselves questioning what they did have with the missing person and at times doubting their own
judgment. This can impact both the present and future.
These are just a few of my
observations from working with those who have someone missing, and naturally each
individual will respond in their own way.
We cannot change what has happened or
the behaviour of others, but in therapy we can explore thoughts, feelings, and responses,
and hopefully work towards developing coping skills and strategies to manage
the bad times.
Penned by Helen
Telephone Counsellor.
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